Hawk Droppings

Volume III ~ Issue 21                                                Winter 2009                              Hawk Droppings Returns

 

Land of “Blago” and “The Bamster”

 

2009 Stimulus Package - Bailouts trickle down to Hawk Droppings – While covering one of President Obama’s town meetings in Indiana, I listened intently to the individual who had worked for McDonalds for four years and who pitched Obama to help get him benefits.  Don’t they get free food?

 

In any event, based on his success I did a shout-out for financial assistance a worldwide publication that I am affiliated with.  Thanks to Fernan Montero and Mary Beth Gaudette the Hawk Droppings has maintained a strong international presence.  What I thought to be Secret Service thugs, wearing sunglasses on a cloudy day and ear phones without singing along to the tunes, converged on me.  To my relief and sudden surprise it was a cluster of huggers, who asked me to explain my financial plight.

 

Within hours I was contacted by members of Nancy Pelosi’s staff.  In contrast to Obama’s “men in black,” these folks (even the men) wore pale green, broad collar, pant suits and had white capped teeth.  Not certain of the connection or any comparisons that can be made with certainty.

 

I shared that due to a lack of funding to produce the Hawk Droppings that many familiar with the likes of Hillary Rodham Clinton had gone without as many as four seasonal issues.  Shocked and dismayed as they were, I went on to demonstrate the factors surrounding the crisis that included, but were not limited to cost increases for paper and ink; union pickets, rising fuel cost; and deflated property values. 

 

Talk about empathy and coincidently more hugs!  My jaw dropped when they encouragingly asked, “How many millions do you think you need?”  All I can say is that I hope we don’t exhaust the funds before we get another series of quarterly issues published.  Incidentally, I am apologizing in advance if some of the many cut ‘n paste/forwarded photos and artwork come through as empty boxes.  Fortunately through our bail out we have enjoyed tons of funding to furnish crayons so you can fill in your own boxes.  Don’t wait to request crayons as we are already running low on the colors gray, silver and white.  Is this a great country or what?

 

 
What they have to say about Chicago – by Contributing Editor Jeff Foxworthy
 
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in Chicago.
 
If you are offended by someone offering to put ketchup on your hot dog, you live in Chicago.
 
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you
Live in Chicago.
 
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Chicago.
 
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in Chicago.
 
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of I-80 for the weekend, you live in Chicago.
 
If you measure distance in hours, you live in Chicago.
 
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you live in
Chicago.
 
If you can drive 75 MPH through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Chicago.
 
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in
Chicago.
 
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Chicago.
 
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 MPH and you're going 80 and everybody is passing you on the right, you live in Chicago.
 
If you are the third car turning left after the traffic light turns to red and you do not get a ticket, you live in Chicago.
 
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Chicago.
 
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in Chicago.
 
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in Chicago.
 
If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in Chicago.

 

 

Tidbits in lieu of Obits – We have not received any since our last communiqué.  Either we are living healthier lives (knock on wood) or we have heard about them yet.  I am aware of a number of recent heart surgeries, both minor and major, that were successful.  So hang in there and if you have died, please let us know.

 

 

New Lyrics to Old Songs – from Tim Nilles
 

            Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

           

            Herman's Hermits ---   Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

           

            Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From My Depends

           

            The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

           

            Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

           

            Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now

           

            Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

           

            The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

           

            Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts

           

            Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair

           

            Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

           

            The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

           

            Abba--- Denture Queen

           

            Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

           

            Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

           

            Leslie Gore--- It's My Potty and I'll Go When I Want To

           

            Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again

 

 

Games, Thoughts and Ponderisms for folks in their Sixties – from Ed Self

 

(Editors Note:  Fortunately for Diane Reporto and Glenn Woerz, who are still 59, these won’t make much sense.)


GAMES

1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3  20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

 
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

 

OLD IS WHEN
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!


THOUGHTS
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

 

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

 

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

 

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

 

A good friend is like a good bra; hard to find, supportive, comfortable, and always close to your heart!

PONDERISMS

 

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

 

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

 

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder or phones with a video camera these days no one talks about seeing UFOs anymore?

 

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

 

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

 

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

 

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

 

 

Job Hunting Tips for those seeking new opportunities – This link will help you with job hunting quest and help deal with the issues of being over sixty in a competitive job market:

 

http://view.exacttarget.com/?j=fe9111707460027a72&m=fef91176766206&ls=fde216737d63027b7c127970&l=fec2157877600c7b&s=fe2f17717164067f721277&ju=fe5a177674630d7f7216

 

As an executive recruiter I work with aging baby boomers every day.  So much of the available advice pertains to interviewing and responding to inquiries.  I find most of the problems that prevent one from even getting a call to interview stem from the candidate’s archaic resume.  If your are returning to this volatile job market in search of a position, send me your resume and I will critique it for old times sake (gwoerz@gmail.com).

 

 


As it was at the beginning


1960 Philco Predicta UG-4744

        
1966                                              1961                                              1967

    
The   Beverly  Hillbillies 1962                                                  Howdy and   Buffalo  Bob 1955

        
                Leave It To Beaver 1959                           Father Knows Best 1955                The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet 1954

        
1968                                                        1954                                                  1953

        
Captain Kangaroo 1955                                        All In The Family 1972                                        Maverick 1959

    
WKRP In   Cincinnati  1978                                           The Lone Ranger 1949

        
       1950 Zenith G2355                                 1954 RCA 17S351                               1953 Admiral Color C1617A


Haverhill Gazette TV Guide  Monday, May 1, 1961

    
    The Ed Sullivan Show 1967                                                       The Addams Family 1965

        
The Red Skelton Show 1951                               Gunsmoke 1970                                    The Mod Squad 1968
    
Bonanza 1960                                                       Rawhide 1959

        
1954                                                   1955                                                       1965


Dark Shadows 1966

                
           Dr. Kildare 1961          The Man From Uncle 1965              Ironside 1967            Peyton Place 1964      The Mickey Mouse Club 1959

        
The Andy Griffith Show 1963                                       1966                                           The Honeymooners 1955

    
The Dick Van Dyke Show 1961                                   Seahunt 1958

        
1967                                              1959                                              1970

    
The Twilight Zone 1960                                        Lassie 1958


Gilligan's   Island  1966

    
Wanted: Dead or Alive 1958                                     Zorro 1957

    
The Rifleman 1958                                            I Love Lucy 1951

    
Mr. Ed 1961                                                 Charlies Angels 1976

    
TV Test Patterns 1960

 

 

Enjoyable Link

 

http://objflicks.com/TakeMeBackToTheSixties.htm

 

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Hawk Droppings is an independent, cult-like publication printed for the betterment of society and the Maine Township High School South, Class of 1966.  Email all comments, questions and cheap shots to gwoerz@gmail.com.  We may or may not respond.  The Hawk Droppings is and will continue to be an equal opportunity offender.  If you have been offended or alienated in any way from its contents, quips or heart-felt jabs, get over it!